Mattism #37

I cant stand the sound of a slamming toilet seat!

I refuse to put the seat down because I cant stand the sound. I bought soft close seats for the house. Even then, I hate touching them.

Mattism #36

I'm going as my girlfriends dad for Halloween

See my earlier posts about moustaches and how they relate to father figures. I now have a beard, that will soon become a moustache. Therefore, I will be my girlfriends dad for Halloween.

Mattism #35

That is a bad ass sock puppet!

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AC440k6iByA&feature=player_embedded

Mattism #34

About 2 hours after that beet salad, I was on the toilet and it looked like I miscarried!

Mattism #33

John walks like He-man and looks like Ram Man.

Mattism #32

Joe's way into Tetris, screw that, I'm way into Tantric.

Mattism #31

Have you ever kissed your dad on the lips before.................................Do you wanna kiss your dad on the lips???

Kissing dudes with beards and moustaches is like kissing your dad. Basically, you have a secret sketchy lust for your dad if you're dating a dude with a moustache or beard.

Mattism #30

I used to have one of these. My mom got it for me when I was 12.

Mattism #29

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZ04mfAY2BU

John is in a Jack and Jill Renaissance league. He's a full on wizard. That's some fucking fruity shit. Fucking nerds!

Mattism #28

Eating edamame is like eating a hairy human ear

Mattism #27

Dude is fleecing soccer moms everywhere with his cover song bullshit! AND..........he's charging Neil Diamond prices!!!! AND..........he's fucking Canadian for Christs sake!!

Michael Buble - my absolute least favorite singer - EVER!

Mattism #26

Your lips are so soft - that's what this pic makes me think

Mattism #25

Cupcakes?!?!? Shit.....its just CAKE!!!

There's nothing new in cupcakes, they all taste the same! At least Molly Moo has some new shit. Balsamic Cherry, that's good. We all love ice cream. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream........I don't scream for cup cakes.

But.............God bless cup cakes for weddings. I hate that cutting cake shit.

Mattism #24

I jizzed in so many socks to her. Boy, my socks were never the same after her.

I loved Jenny McCarthy in the 90's. Damn, she was hot.

Mattism #23

That guy used to be a full on good actor back in the day, now he's just a fat turd!

Mattism #22

John's kind of exotic. He dated Kim and a Canadian mini whale for Christs sake!

Mattism #21

Don't buy the white ones. That way you can't see the skid mark.

Mattism #20

That's the kind of song that will get you shot in a biker bar

Any sensitive type whiney indie rock soft shit falls into this category. Like the Decemeberists.

Mattism #19

The CEO of BP needs to be slapped around by my cock

Mattism #18

My dick would shrivel up inside of me if I saw this shit (naked man boobs)

Mattism #17

I've been eating the same sandwich the last 5 years!!!!

Basically, my friend John gets to hump as many chicks as he wants because hes a single guy. I'm stuck with the same thing I've had for the last 5 years. I need to live vicariously through him. He enjoys lots of sandwches - from bite size to Dagwood.

Mattism #16

Recycling didn't exist until Freemont Invented it.

Mattism #15

Banana bread - good. Banana bread with nuts, now that sucks dick.

Mattism #14

They need to make more midget movies. Midgets rule!

Mattism #13

It's not a light saber, its a life saver because its how you save a life.

Mattism #12

That's an ugly cock. What do you think a good looking cock can sell like?

Any pepper grinder shaped like a cock should be designed well. Otherwise its just an ugly cock.

Mattism #11

Best Milkshake - Banana. Worst Milkshake - Fake Banana.

Mattism #10

Ferns are for single people

This is a fact. If you're single, you probably have a fern. Go check your living room. What's that? A fern. Told you so.

If you're gay or a teen girl, you probably like the dude in this pic. You also like Glee and Dancing With the Stars too.

Mattism #9

John actually looks like a fat chick!

I made a special pic of my friend John and he actually looks like a fat chick! I was astonished by my Photoshop skills. Though I could not find the original picture, this one will suffice.

Mattism #8

Albino people love snakes

I don't know if albino snakes like people though.

Mattism #7

I know more about Jewish people, than Jewish people.

this is true. My Jewish co-worker said so.

Mattism #6

They're playing some of your Gypsy shit

Any music not my music is Gypsy music (typically that with chanting, acordions, chimes and/or flutes). Anyone who likes Gypsy music should be chastised EVERY time its on the radio. "They're playing some of your Gypsy shit" is a recommended response.

Mattism #5

He brought the pineapple cake, becasue he's a tropical person


If tropical treats present themselves, you must assume that they were delivered or created by the most likely source, no matter how closely that borders on racism.

Example:
Employee A "Who brought the pineapple cake?"
Matt "I'll bet Juan brought it, he's a tropical person."

Mattism #4

I like the squeeze between the thighs technique

When using an object that requires significant pulling force, you should squeeze it between your thighs if at all possible. I find it useful and highly erotic.

Mattism #3

Construction Feet

The specific scent of end of day work boots from a surly construction worker. Its not cool man. Pretty much the worst smell there is.

Mattism #2

Are you ladies from China??

When picking up girls in China, its best to ask them if they are from China, when you are in China. When they dont understand English, the effect is incredble. Game on.

Mattism #1

I....AM MATT!!!

When speaking to non-Americans, you must introduce yourself in a slow, drawn out manner with a volume louder than a person should normally speak. Its also best to provide a firm handshake while looking them directly in the eye. VERY powerful indeed.