Mattism #24

I jizzed in so many socks to her. Boy, my socks were never the same after her.

I loved Jenny McCarthy in the 90's. Damn, she was hot.

Mattism #23

That guy used to be a full on good actor back in the day, now he's just a fat turd!

Mattism #22

John's kind of exotic. He dated Kim and a Canadian mini whale for Christs sake!

Mattism #21

Don't buy the white ones. That way you can't see the skid mark.

Mattism #20

That's the kind of song that will get you shot in a biker bar

Any sensitive type whiney indie rock soft shit falls into this category. Like the Decemeberists.

Mattism #19

The CEO of BP needs to be slapped around by my cock

Mattism #18

My dick would shrivel up inside of me if I saw this shit (naked man boobs)

Mattism #17

I've been eating the same sandwich the last 5 years!!!!

Basically, my friend John gets to hump as many chicks as he wants because hes a single guy. I'm stuck with the same thing I've had for the last 5 years. I need to live vicariously through him. He enjoys lots of sandwches - from bite size to Dagwood.

Mattism #16

Recycling didn't exist until Freemont Invented it.

Mattism #15

Banana bread - good. Banana bread with nuts, now that sucks dick.

Mattism #14

They need to make more midget movies. Midgets rule!

Mattism #13

It's not a light saber, its a life saver because its how you save a life.

Mattism #12

That's an ugly cock. What do you think a good looking cock can sell like?

Any pepper grinder shaped like a cock should be designed well. Otherwise its just an ugly cock.

Mattism #11

Best Milkshake - Banana. Worst Milkshake - Fake Banana.

Mattism #10

Ferns are for single people

This is a fact. If you're single, you probably have a fern. Go check your living room. What's that? A fern. Told you so.

If you're gay or a teen girl, you probably like the dude in this pic. You also like Glee and Dancing With the Stars too.

Mattism #9

John actually looks like a fat chick!

I made a special pic of my friend John and he actually looks like a fat chick! I was astonished by my Photoshop skills. Though I could not find the original picture, this one will suffice.

Mattism #8

Albino people love snakes

I don't know if albino snakes like people though.

Mattism #7

I know more about Jewish people, than Jewish people.

this is true. My Jewish co-worker said so.

Mattism #6

They're playing some of your Gypsy shit

Any music not my music is Gypsy music (typically that with chanting, acordions, chimes and/or flutes). Anyone who likes Gypsy music should be chastised EVERY time its on the radio. "They're playing some of your Gypsy shit" is a recommended response.

Mattism #5

He brought the pineapple cake, becasue he's a tropical person


If tropical treats present themselves, you must assume that they were delivered or created by the most likely source, no matter how closely that borders on racism.

Example:
Employee A "Who brought the pineapple cake?"
Matt "I'll bet Juan brought it, he's a tropical person."